Good to know Covid didn’t alter that weird state of existence called ‘Monday.’ I am most anxious to return to work, to normalcy, to complaining about Monday. Of course work…as in required hours and pay checks and counting vaca hours hasn’t returned…but as I was stressing about the ‘shuttered venue operators grant’ which, if we apply and are among the selected, will enable North Fourth to get its mojo back and pay the light bill for awhile, it felt quite Monday-like. Wish us luck…  and all of the other performing arts spaces in the world.

Life is proceeding reasonably…with just a small memory of sand between my toes at Ocean Beach a few short days ago. Closets organized for first time since I moved last November…after all why arrange and tidy closets when you’re not wearing any hanging-up or folding-neatly kind of clothes?

The best thing though is the dining room. The new slightly-strange, geographically-interesting and maximally-comfortable dining room. Thanks to bro Robert, sister Marsha, son Steven for new paint, rug, table and chairs. And all those mounted travel photos so nicely displayed…the better to enjoy with one’s morning oatmeal. I suppose I’ll eventually get tired of having them all around me (though they are restricted to the dining room) but since I’ve spent much of my energy and income these last years ‘on location’ around the world it’s good to have the memories nearby.

DR. CALIFORNIA

Places are medicine for nearly all that ails me: Far places, foreign places, home places, warm places, cold places, as my passport will attest…most places. But a couple of them are special of course: California, Minnesota.

Yes, I did climb Black Mountain and posted the photos to prove it. Such a relief to get that pesky ‘old’ issue out of the way for another year. There were other highlights before winging my way back home so just a few more pics and comments before real life completely takes over.

Being a dedicated fan of Nordstrom’s and IKEA, I visited of course, arriving with loosely filled suitcases for that very purpose. Jeans…new jeans…. There were lots of pricey sweat pants and shirts but I’ve moved beyond that old pandemic look (so 2020) to the elegance of white jeans and a raggedy ‘free people’ shirt. And black placemats and $2 pillows at IKEA. And since IKEA’s new goal is to make stuff that lasts forever, just think my great-great-grandchildren can inherit these very items.

But enough about indoors. A walk on the beach and visit with friends topped off the CAfix. The next morning Sandra left for a month in the Philippines where she is establishing an environmental/religious sanctuary on her family land; I came home to organize closets and write a grant.

Check in here with Dr. California.

BLACK MOUNTAIN 2021

Remember I am not old-old until I cannot climb Black Mountain in Penasquitos, San Diego County, CA on my birthday. So. Today. Up the mountain (Black, not Everest, but why quibble). Done. Phew. Another brilliant day in my new positive energetic engaged post-covid life… I know some of this new perky-ish attitude might be classified as ‘whistling in the dark’ but surely beats my moaning of late.

To celebrate my great athletic achievement I’m posting a whole album of me and my mountain. Sorry. I promise not to be so self-centered (100 pics of me, 6 of the landscape, and one of my mostly-Norwegian Sherpa) again until April 2022.

NEARLY NORMAL

I do not believe in miracle cures…from dieties or diets or doctors. Perhaps though, California might provide just such a thing. Whether it’s family or travel or the sight of water or a few days of steroids…I have definitely broken out of covid prison. Haven’t woken up in a state of deep depression for three day (okay so my morning mournfulness only lasts a little while, nevertheless I was very tired of months of it).

I’ve been in Visalia with grandchildren and son Scott. Chatting, laughing, eating, lounging…a perfect way to spend a birthday. Now back in San Diego, resting up for Black Mountain, shopping, and a beach-walk before returning renewed, restored, revitalized…a whole bunch of re- words. It, in fact, is remarkable how much better I feel.

Reading everything about depressions stemming from pandemic life, I’ve maintained some skepticism. Asking myself what I have to be personally unhappy about with healthy family and friends, a job that probably will return someday, future travel, the Sleaze gone from the White House, etc. I’ve moved to a new house and completed a book. ‘I have no right to feel sorry for myself when there are so many around the world in dire straits,’ I’ve said. But I guess, deep down, rational gratitude couldn’t overcome unwarranted melancholy. But NOW….

Some photos then…

ON THE ROAD AGAIN…

I  declare my pandemic year over. It officially started — for me — when the State of New Mexico gave North Fourth two days to close down. March 13, 2020. Oh sure, a lot of bad things had already occurred and more are sure to happen after today. But I’m vaccinated, masked, haven’t hung out in a crowded bar for a goodly number of years and I’m way too old to start again now…so think I’ll be okay. 

And TODAY I’m older again…but surprisingly happier than I’ve been in awhile. Can’t quite figure this out. Or maybe I can. I fly away from New Mexico for the first time since returning from the Stan countries and Turkey, fall of 2019. What a relief to discover traveling is like riding a bicycle…once you’ve learned how to do it the skill always returns. I was exhausted from bad sleep and and general stress when I got back on my Southwest steed but by the time I was in San Diego, sitting at Scott’s house, eating fried rice, and gazing out at their freeway, runway, harbour view I felt like a new human. No small thing thing as one approaches birthdays of ever-greater oldness.

Yesterday Scott and I drove here to Visalia where Ashley and Steven live; Ashley paying off student loans in her first professional gig as a PA, Steven developing his IT life. They have a new house and are adapting to life in the San Joaquin Valley instead of their natural habitat on the coast. I really do have extraordinarily wonderful children and grandchildren (not to forget siblings, Robert and Marsha of course). Do I seem to you to be more appreciative of life and family than normal this morning. Well, that’s what getting back into the world does for one….

My Black Mountain Climb to prove I’m not old-old was put off to Monday when back in SD. I’m a little concerned this year since I didn’t get to test myself last birthday. Black Mountain is not Everest so it should be fine…I say nervously. Visalia is not exactly good walking territory…begin flat, full of cows, and 90 degrees in the afternoon. But how perfect to be here. Ashley and Steven are full of opinions/life/prospects/intelligence that young adults (medium-young) possess, and Teresa’s driving down from San Francisco for the night and Scott, the dad, is being kind and less-insulting (in a good way) than usual to dear old mom.

So here’s to real life and its own set of pleasures and catastrophes without viruses ruling. I also say nervously.

WordPress has changed their format so I’m going to see if I can actually still post something.

I’m determined to post every single April Day…even if the next one might have to include a lot of photos of leafless almond (?) trees and grapevines and stockyards with bored cattle and a leftover trump sign from the drive over.

Be back later…from all the day’s partying…as one must do to celebrate surviving a pandemic year without work and travel…and being brave enough to get back on that plane…(especially since it was Boeing-made)…I’ll perhaps post more photos. Me in the pool in my bikini. Maybe not that one. Maybe this one. Me and my Ponytail. After all these years…and too late to be a cheerleader.

KIERKEGAARD SAID…

March 13, 2020. The day the State of NM closed down the North Fourth Art Center and the first day of my pandemic year…or P-2020 as I like to call it. Almost a year ago.

I don’t feel well this morning, nothing serious, just…somber. Why?

P-2020 didn’t impose any real hardships on anyone among my friends and family. With reasonably good health, ongoing jobs or unemployment, lots of books and all those murder mystery series on our devices we made it through.

So is this T-2021 (Transition year 2021). It’s okay so far. The election and its rays of hope, vaccines completed for the family elders, cautious visits from California son and granddaughter, thinking of back to work and travel days ahead, visits with friends with whole faces. All good isn’t it?

Then why do I feel like weeping? It might not be just garden-variety Monday morning (without work) gloom. It might be existential angst. Seriously.

In recent years, when asked about my belief system I’ve often said I’m an existentialist, playing fast and loose with the formal definitions (of which there seem to be many) and simply defining it as my belief that our actual existence is everything. It affords large or small choices for each of us and those choices, whether to be good or bad, ambitious or lazy, curious or indifferent, restless or calm define who we are, how we relate to each other and the world. They define life.

I actually perused a couple of books from college days this morning and, enhanced by a bit of googling, here are a few lines about existentialism and why I’m a sad but authentic existentialist this morning.

First the original European model: Existentialism … centers on the lived experience of the thinking, feeling, acting individual. In the view of the existentialist, the individual’s starting point has been called the existential angst, ‘a sense of dread, disorientation, confusion, or anxiety in the face of an apparently meaningless or absurd world.’ Soren Kierkegaard, always cited as one of the founders of existentialism, said that each of us, not society or religion, is responsible for giving meaning to our own lives. Only I can decide whether to live my life ‘passionately and sincerely’ in other words, ‘authentically.’

Then the American version: In a textbook from my social work student days, Existential Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom, the author describes how the American definition of existentialism diverges from the European model portrayed above. In the U.S. the belief in “expansiveness, optimism, limitless horizons, and pragmatism” substantially alters the imported form of existential thought, Yalom claims.

This morning I am deep in the European version — probably because I didn’t sleep well, my stomach hurts…oh yeah, and I’m old and cranky…and the world is in big trouble. Possibly another hour on the couch with a trusty detective novel, some stomach-approved healthful soup for lunch and doing laundry will switch me over to happiness in my American existence.

And there’s the rub. The conflict between Old World reality and the New World con. Tomorrow I’ll have transported myself back into ‘expansiveness…optimism…blah blah blah. And pretty pictures.

 

I have these photos…fall, winter 2020. Not great photos or particularly meaningful photos…but they capture ordinary moments of a not-at-all ordinary year. So for posterity:

Aaahhh…the Christmas spirit. Shirt says it all…Go Kamala.

OUT DAMNED 2020

It is difficult, wresting oneself from 2020. It seemed that the election and beginning of vaccine time had gone a long way toward a New Year. Then the attempted coup by ‘terrorists are us’ and the vaccine muddle kept us smack dab in the middle of fear and chaos far into January.

So I am making today, February 1, 2021, ‘the first day of the rest of my life.’

And this is Now. A smart and decent old guy is in the White House, a smart and brave black and brown woman is his second in command, a bright and powerful young black poet is a beam of hope across the rational land and, while the nazis and klaners and supremacists and stupid and power-hungry aren’t going away, at least for the moment, they’re being held at bay…though barely.

I am moving forward on MY first day of spring. Family is coming to visit, one or two at a time, poked, masked and distanced; North Fourth has a future (almost for sure); I love my house; and we’re once again planning for the Big Trip To Africa—at Christmas. And more trips besides.

I still have a final farewell 2020 post coming up. Tomorrow. So here’s to Tomorrow…only a day away (written by Thomas Meehan)

The sun’ll come out

Tomorrow

So ya gotta hang on

‘Til tomorrow

Come what may

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

I love ya Tomorrow!

You’re always

A day

A way

I SPENT MUCH OF MY TIME TRYING TO LOOK PANDEMICALLY-STYLISH.

What a strange week. Energetic. Writing. Picking bedroom paint colors. Time at North Fourth thinking it will be part of our lives again? All good…except that the Sleaze just won’t leave the building. I shouldn’t be nervous. I think. Should I? DT is like the blob…devouring any good in his path…and can’t be destroyed. But he must be ultimately, mustn’t he?…or is that me, age 8, ‘whistling in the dark’ on my way home from Audrey’s house so the Minnesota wild things won’t get me? Little over two weeks and our most frightening national nightmare had damn well better be OVER.

Back to my summary of Covid year…I felt compelled to do a second summer album so I could post pictures of my second favorite activity (remember Bosque with Steve was the first). That would be a spurt of baking quick breads. Banana, Strawberry, Peach, Cottage Cheese Walnut…they were beautiful and I loved giving them to friends. However the thrill of giving soon wore off since I could not even sample them now that I am seriously gluten-free. I admit to scraping the bowl for the last of the dough though. It was delicious.

The summer was fine I think. I have always traveled in the summer though. Always. To places near and far. This summer I was not out of Albuquerque so it seems like a kind of nervously, blurry, non-entirely unpleasant time. So I think this will do it for summer 2020.

 

FARM AND TABLE DESSERT…

The Year of Living Dangerously,’ otherwise known as 2020 has unfolded in three stages. Spring and North Fourth closing. Gradually tapering off friendly full-face contact and checking out things like grocery delivery. Getting nervous but not too…at first. I remember wearing masks in public fairly early and not participating in group activities (but then I never did that anyway). Anyway summer came along, and masks were always on outside of one’s ‘pod.’ The exception was eating outdoors at Flying Star or Farm and Table for that rare treat. A few of us laid-off North Fourthers were volunteering to pay the light bill and make sure the Center hadn’t been invaded by Texans or zombies or mice. My apartment was feeling pretty small but life was made livable by weekly walks in the Bosque with Steven and sometimes a dog. It was something of a shock to realize that the pandemic was not going to just go away…we should have known that if Sleazy T claimed something would happen the very opposite would occur. It wasn’t that I thought what DT said had any validity, it was just that … well if we can go to the moon surely we can make something as insignificant in size as a virus go away. And then I remembered we don’t actually go to the moon anymore and we can’t even support a rail system adequately or enforce regulations that would keep dangerous airplanes out of the sky…or keep everyone fed………………..

Anyway here’s the first look at summer: I’ve posted a number of these photos before but remember this is a retrospective.

I HAD TO BE TESTED FOR SOMETHING CALLED SIBO WHICH REQUIRED ME TO LIVE ON ROASTED SALTLESS CHICKEN AND BLACK COFFEE. ONLY 24 HOURS BUT IT SEEMED LIKE MUCH LONGER.