Do you ever repeat to yourself…’I must make this work’…over and over when an important event or project is coming up? Well, that’s the way I’m feeling about September, all of fall really. I must make September positive…even pleasurable on occasion…worth having lived. Right? August hasn’t been easy. But September means fall. The start of the school year. The harvest. Cooler weather. The red and golden leaves of autumn. Baked acorn squash with butter and brown sugar. State fairs. If a Burqueno the sky filled with balloons in another month or so. Sweaters (if we’re lucky), raincoats if even luckier. Who doesn’t love fall?
So how to make any happiness out of fall 2020. Trump lives on; glaciers are melting; we’re witnessing racism so dangerous, so virulent it must soon be called genocide; Covid stalks wherever two or more are gathered…it’s appropriate to include a religious phrase in sentences with our godly president, don’t you think?
So school’s not quite, is, might be, starting. It’s hot, too hot to bake squash like mom would have right about now…butter…brown sugar . Fall’s not pretty for a couple months yet around here. No state fair or balloons, no reason to buy a new sweater for my empty workplace or the grocery store. Raincoat, yeah right.
Oh yeah, and about our world as we know it ending. But perhaps…just perhaps…women will save us.
But here’s the thing. I’m alive. And also when I was a teenage I wanted, more than anything, to have long hair to put in a swingy ponytail and to be able to dance well. You know…great big swingy skirt, great big swingy ponytail, cute little swingy body, bright red lipstick, maybe bright red flats. Now, finally 60+ years later my hair will soon be long enough for a ponytail (if Covid lasts until the election). Everything else in that fantasy image is gone…still can’t dance…but just think how that ponytail will swing on the treadmill.
There’s that. What else?
I don’t want to be sad in September. I could take little road trips on New Mexico’s back roads…and NM has some of the world’s best back roads. Long long stretches of just me, Ghost, and the two-lane. Plains, high desert, rolling hills, a mountain here, a mountain there, then suddenly I’m in them, all red soil and cliffs and forest or brown slopes amply decorated with pinon. Yes, I should do this…to remember how much I sometimes love New Mexico and how excellent life can be. Republicans be damned…I’ll go drive the land and be happy. Gotta go now…find ‘O Brother’ to play as I leave the city limits. And I’ll go to Smith’s tomorrow and get an angel food cake to put on the seat by me and just tear out a chunk now and then as I drive. September, I am ready.
U.S. BURIED IRAQI SOLDIERS ALIVE IN GULF WAR
‘What you saw was a
bunch of trenches with
arms sticking out.’
‘Plows mounted on
‘Carefully planned and
went through there wasn’t
‘Not a single
‘For all I know,
saw was a bunch of
arms and things
made no mention.’
‘Every single American
fire.’ ‘I know
like that sounds
pretty nasty, said
But . . . .’
‘His force buried
about six hundred
in a thinner line
going to sacrifice
of my soldiers,
Moreno said, it’s not
‘The tactic was designed
Lieutenant Colonel Hawkins
said, who helped
estimated fifty to seventy
in the trenches.’
‘Private Joe Queen was
a Bronze Star for burying
trenches with his
‘A lot of the guys
were scared, he said,
‘A bunch of
arms and things
But soon fall. Things will seem better even if they’re not.
“A Walk By The River”
Walking by the river
on a blue-grey morn,
smile on the face
dry leaves on the walk.
Black and white the world seems now
For every bright day has a black-dull start.
Walking by the river
white rose in one hand,
The girl seems to walk by and by.
She says she’ll walk
till the guns are dropped,
She says she’ll walk
till food reaches all,
She says she’ll walk
till the devils get a heart,
She says she’ll walk till truth is a law.
She flies no more
wings drag as she walk,
It’s been a long time since she started her job.
Still hope in her eyes
and peace in her soul,
Walking by the river on a blue-grey morn…………….
Depressed this week. Why? There’s that darn pandemic but that’s not it, not really. It’s this country. This government. It’s the ‘state of the union.’ You know how you wake up with the line of a song or poem running through your head, a stanza, a chant from your high school cheer (Northome High School, Hats off to Thee…was it really ‘thee’?), your mom’s voice, whatever. This morning it was ‘the day the music died.’ Go figure as we say in not-puzzlement.
I have a few nice nature photos from the last couple of weeks. Nice weeks with a smattering of rain…a puny monsoon season if that was it…still, it was rain.
However for today I must start my post by acknowledging the effect of watching John Lewis’ funeral. I won’t say very much, some of the world’s best people have spoken and written appropriately fine things about the man and what he represents. I just want to say that the two and one-half hours I spent with John Lewis’ family, friends, colleagues and admirers at Ebenezer Baptist Church this morning gave me hope—something harder and harder for me to come by lately. It’s not the virus…that will pass. It’s the hatred and cruelty and stupidity that rule so much of government, of business, of entertainment these days…conditions that show no signs of ever passing. They’re what make me lose hope. But there they were this morning…important people from the civil rights movement and from government. Decent people. Powerful people. Determined people. Smart people. It was so restorative to see and listen. It’s been a good day.
Now for those photos.
On our summer vacation, Celia, Sara and I were scheduled to be in Kruger National Park in South Africa yesterday. At least we were in Plan A. I think that had changed to Lilongwe, Malawi in Plan B. However, as you all know the world has reverted to Plan X…so instead I went to MVD NOW to renew my driver’s license. I took some pictures for you.
A word of praise for MVD NOW…So it’s not Kruger National Park with leopards, lions buffalo, elephants and rhinoceros. But the staff are friendly and efficient and it’s only a small fee to avoid real Motor Vehicles Department. AND THEY HAVE interesting machines things out front, a battered old truck or two in the lot, and an especially scenic corner of the city with Ghost right there, waiting to take me back home after my day’s outing. It is all good.
Banal: So lacking in originality as to be obvious and boring. I am two thirds of the way through Mary Trump’s book, Too Much and Never Enough. I expected some outsize characters, some outsize actions…after all this is the family that created our monstrous joke of president. No such characters emerge…All I keep hearing in my head is Hannah Arendt’s statement:
“Evil comes from a failure to think. It defies thought for as soon as thought tries to engage itself with evil and examine the premises and principles from which it originates, it is frustrated because it finds nothing there. That is the banality of evil.” (Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil)
There is not one single outstanding thing about the entire Trump family. Fred, the father who helped create Donald, is nothing special in intellect, character, personality or appearance. He was just a pitiful specimen of an egocentric, money-grubbing, selfish, unpleasant human. The rest of the family is mostly a pathetic bunch, remaining squished firmly under his thumb, who never (except for one aunt [a coward] and Mary, the author), did much of anything worthwhile. But Fred did help create Donald…gotta give him that. He took a son, who obviously in hindsight, had mental health issues in the form of overlapping personality disorders and who wasn’t too smart (to say the least) and encouraged him to go for it–whatever the ‘it’ he desired was. Voila! Mr. President. The epitome of the ‘banality of evil.’
I’ll finish the book today…I want to get into something interesting like one of the other three nordic noir/history books I picked up at Bookworks this week (Bookworks is more important for sanity than the grocery store is for your stomach. Order Books. Lots of books. Guaranteed to make you feel better. [unless you’re reading about Trumps])
I doubt I’ll learn much new about Donald covering the latter years. Although Mary Trump does manage to explain the corruption and double dealing succinctly and clearly. Coming up are bound to be some of Donald’s most heinous actions, actions that effect a broad swath of the world as we know it. I believe I’ll finish it still overwhelmed/underwhelmed by the sense of the ‘banality of evil.’ What a boring, slimy, insecure, sick, dumb, dull creature the U.S. managed to elect as president. Are we such a banal bunch of humans as that?
I’ll be back to apologize if I find anything new and interesting about the banal one during the rest of the book.
Yesterday’s post was all about my need for rain. So it rained last night…that was after I ran naked and screaming ‘let there be rain’ through the streets, in and out of the traffic, into the gas station for a Twinkie…up Eubank to Montgomery…knocked on Scarpa’s door for a take-out pizza (which got all soggy on the way home).
Maybe I didn’t do that. But it did rain. I couldn’t find just the right cloud poem so instead I’ve included something for these times. Also a couple of cloud photos to thank them for delivering those drops. Oh yeah…and a question for my cloud friends. What must I do for a whole long beautiful gray wet and stormy day…..
Life doesn’t frighten me at all (Maya Angelou) A poem for our times.
Shadows on the wall Noises down the hall Life doesn't frighten me at all Bad dogs barking loud Big ghosts in a cloud Life doesn't frighten me at all Mean old Mother Goose Lions on the loose They don't frighten me at all Dragons breathing flame On my counterpane That doesn't frighten me at all. I go boo Make them shoo I make fun Way they run I won't cry So they fly I just smile They go wild Life doesn't frighten me at all. Tough guys fight All alone at night Life doesn't frighten me at all. Panthers in the park Strangers in the dark No, they don't frighten me at all. That new classroom where Boys all pull my hair (Kissy little girls With their hair in curls) They don't frighten me at all. Don't show me frogs and snakes And listen for my scream, If I'm afraid at all It's only in my dreams. I've got a magic charm That I keep up my sleeve I can walk the ocean floor And never have to breathe. Life doesn't frighten me at all Not at all Not at all.
The sky has given over its bitterness. Out of the dark change all day long rain falls and falls as if it would never end. Still the snow keeps its hold on the ground. But water, water from a thousand runnels! It collects swiftly, dappled with black cuts a way for itself through green ice in the gutters. Drop after drop it falls from the withered grass-stems of the overhanging embankment.
In 1970, my air force husband who had been stationed in Taiwan (I think), was transferred to Holloman AFB, Alamogordo, New Mexico. I was happily into my second year in college at East Carolina University, living with my sons in a student apartment in Greenville, North Carolina. New Mexico was to be our new home Don said and I, imagining life once again on an air force base surrounded by a desert full of roving tarantulas, was not happy.
The drive from Greenville to Alamogordo was somewhat grim, at least from my perspective. But then, after two days and nights on the road, I came out of road-trip stupor in Valley of the Fires State Park just north of Carrizozo … and fell instantly in love with the ‘enchanting’ state in front of me.
Twenty New Mexico years would pass happily and productively before, for a variety of reasons, I left for greener (literally) pastures in California and Minnesota. I always missed my New Mexico life even while living in places I overall preferred. So imagine my surprise to find myself back in Albuquerque in January 2000. It was clear early on that shinier aspects of that old enchantment had tarnished… probably from the endless sunshine.
That was twenty years ago. Now it’s July 2020. There are things about this state and city I still find…if not enchanting…at least desirable. The blueness of our statehood for one. I also love that we really are multi-cultural in our everyday lives and in our arts. And the Sandia mountains turning all rosy with the sunset. My New Mexico family and friends. My work and our little art center over on 4th Street.
But. Not. The. Climate. I am, I keep declaring, a pluviophile. I love rain. How am I supposed to think big thoughts, dream big dreams…or even small ones without the sound of raindrops in the background? How to enjoy melancholy time…and please don’t tell you don’t like feeling melancholy now and again, without clouds and thunder and lightning and rain? How to have to live every experience out in the unrelenting glare of high desert sun?
My goal here is not to write prose of which I’ll later be proud…oh sure that would be nice but right now I can barely remember the alphabet. My goal is to keep track of this never-to-be-repeated year in my or my children’s or grandchildren’s lifetimes. Hopefully. A couple years from now I want to leaf through my blog book for 2020 and say ‘you know that wasn’t so bad…I learned x or accomplished y or, at the very least, read a lot of excellent books.
Today is today. I did work on my book (currently being called “Window Seat”) awhile and then went to a lab for blood tests (regular thing because of my unpredictable stomach) for a longer while. And it was actually just a little hazy today which nearly made me happy. True happiness would have required clouds and rain and the blot-of-trump wiped out of world history.
Tomorrow I’ll write an anti-sun piece. I’ll have to stand outside and take pictures of the thing to include in a post I suppose.
For today just some photos from the walk Steven and I took last week…before covid entered the family and threw us a bit off track. Granddaughter Sara is fine and apparently no one else in the family contracted the thing but between the governor’s tightening up last week and Sara…it all feels like it’s closing in …
I can’t have actually lost my mind, right? I mean it’s still here with me, if not in my head or somewhere else in my body, it’s surely around the apartment somewhere. I mean this apartment is pretty small…really small in fact…smaller every day. It must be here.
I’ve been fine…since March 13, 2020 I’ve been fine. Busy. Generally optimistic. Exercising some. Eating reasonably healthfully. Communicating. Watering the plants. Showering now and then. Reading books. Watching a few 24-season series. It’s been okay.
Now. It. Is. Not.
It is so very fortunate that alcohol makes me sick or I would be getting really drunk right this very minute. How about a pain pill and ‘sparkling probiotic drink’ instead? Poor substitute I say.
I mean really. Here we are. This giant rudderless country just wobbling along from day to day. No real direction. No voice of reason. (I should note that here in New Mexico we have a great governor who’s trying her damndest but any governor’s voice can seem pretty small in a sea of lunacy.)
Doesn’t it feel like we’ll wake up and some semblance of what they (you know…parents, teachers, politicians) told us this country represented will still be there/here/somewhere?
So my 21-year-old granddaughter Sara has tested positive for the virus. She’s sick but not horribly so at this stage and we’re sure (pretty sure) she’ll be fine. Her parents went into smart mode immediately and are testing negative and since I’ve only been around my son once in the last two weeks and that was masked and outdoors I’m fine. It’s just that this virus is so sneaky with after effects and how it gets around that it’s like living with a member of the Trump cult…the evil can escape and damage anything and everything around it.
Because of closing in of the virus and our new state regs I’m going to avoid even my healthplex gym this week and the walk with my son and tea with my friend. I’ll only go down to the Center on Friday to organize what will … in better times … be my new office when no one is there.
Actually… while writing this I’m feeling a bit better. Maybe this is a sign…for the next couple of weeks every afternoon I sit down at my kitchen desk with my plants within touching distance and a fresh pot of coffee and I just write nonsense and attach a picture and send it on to you.
Cheers…let’s see now … what can I take some new photos of……..MY IMMEDIATE WORKING SPACE. You see with the vastness of my apartment (800 sq. ft.) I need a kitchen office where I blog and pay bills and eat lunch, and a bedroom office where I write great literature.
If we were zooming you would just see the nice plants and I’d have on my zoom shirt…but here in more intimate detail is an up close and personal look at me here now.