MALAISE

AND SHE SAID, “I MUST GO.”

Malaise: A general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify.

If I can identify the cause(s)…is it still malaise?

I’ve made the first cancellation of the next previously-hoped-for round of travel. Gives someone as addicted to being out and about in the world as me, moments/hours/days of pause: It filled me with uneasiness. Notice me not saying anger or sadness or worry. Those are emotions I’m reserving for things I might be able to fix. However my ‘three horsemen’ of Cultism (representing the Nazis, fascists, trumpers, survivalists among us), Climate change, and Covid are beyond my ability to even alter in the slightest of ways.

So I am extremely uneasy (‘anxious, troubled, uncomfortable’). The world probably won’t crash and burn in my lifetime (although there’ll be more attempted coups, floods/fires/drought, and new strains of old diseases or brand-new viruses)…but, my dear grandchildren, good luck to you.

There is good news (right this moment—which is all I really expect) as I sit here in my tightly-closed house because the California fires are pumping smoke in through any opening. I am willing myself into a strong enough state of denial to be replanning all of my missed trips for a whole lot of time on the road and in the air in 2022/23. What I’m doing use to be called ‘whistling in the dark.’

Yes, breaking through my Sunday afternoon malaise—there is that ray of hope. Which would be a brighter ray if it weren’t for all the smoke in the air.

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